Diamonds are a girl’s best friend….or not

I never understood the diamond-fixation most women seem to have. They are so damn small no matter how much they cost, are barely visible when worn, appear dangerously similar to crystal or something even cheaper (I’m not going to say shards of glass…I’m not going to say shards of glass) AND cause untold heartache when stolen/lost/smaller than your neighbour’s.

I’d always thought that’s way too much fuss to be wasted on old crystallized rocks. I’d thought jewellery should be big, bold and beady. I HAD always thought..

The story goes something like this…August ‘06 Bangalore. Launch of a luxury jewellery house’s new collection-a young, inexperienced and a rather intimidated me was walking around the venue watching, in amusement, the air-kissing and the ‘hello dah’lins’, and in awe, the brilliant display of jewellery I never though I could afford…not for a long time at least. It was not my world- I did not relate to it, didn’t want to either..I’d felt out of place, tired, atrociously bored..hating the wine and wanting to go back to a frothy mug of draught beer and masala peanuts..I was only a week into my first job and stubbornly missed college, had no orientation and was wondering why they asked me to attend this la-di-dah thingie in the first place…Thought I can’t do luxury, can’t do the job, can’t make it on my own…you get the drift…I wasn’t having a very good time.

October 9, 2007. I was loaded! Oh, its such a grand feeling. An year of savings, all together, in my hands. I quickly made a list of people I owed money to and calculated….#$%^& minus ^&^%*….Yippee..I still had $$$$$ left!

An Ipod maybe…or perhaps a nice camera to digitally catalogue my life. My mum shook her head…she was on phone from Delhi, but I swear I saw a frown and a hint of disgust at my plans. ‘Buy yourself something solid’ was the suggestion/order.

Oh-Kay..though I was sure a gizmo would not miraculously vapourize and not be ’solid’ anymore, I made up my mind to go shopping, for something ‘blingy’ and ‘heirloom-able’. I went to the boutique of the very same jewellery house and briefly enjoyed the taste of luxury I’d written about in press releases, for an year. I sauntered, stopped, considered, pointed, narrowed my eyes, shook my head and sauntered on some more..I took my time, baby! Sometime during the deliciously slow walk through the boutique, I stopped at the display case where the collection with which I started my career, gazed back seductively. Ooh, it was a game of mating, I tell you. What a difference an year had made. Back then, I was one of the preys of a dazzlingly beautiful object. Now I was the predator.

I slipped on the very same ring which had made me feel underprivileged roughly an year back. For the first time I noticed the subtle sheen of gold, the exotic colour of the faded pink sapphires and the striking brilliance of the single diamond at the centre. Tiny, but simply beautiful. I bought it and it was mine.

There’s more to the ring than its price tag. Every time I look at it, there’s a sense of achievement. It feels like a pay-back for all the times I felt that I should pack my bags and go home, give up; all the times I had bananas for dinner because I was so broke; all the times I longed for that gorgeous dress at the mall and didn’t buy it simply because I couldn’t. For the year I spent calculating how much money I was left with, for the rest of the month. For all the times spent wondering if I was wasting my time, wondering if I should just go back to studying coz’ I’m probably too young to work. For all the self-doubt, self-pity and self-destruction.

Someone asked me if it’s a present from a pampering boyfriend. I’d said I don’t need a man to buy me diamonds. What a feeling!

Bengaluru, Stop no. 2

First times are always so strange. The first kiss, the first hangover, the first big change, the first flight of freedom…

I’m back from my long break (and too short a sabbatical) to join my new organization. The scheduled soul-searching did not happen as much I’d thought, but socializing and generally letting life take its natural course did. Lots of great home-cooked food did. Getting to know my sister better did. Appreciating what my folks have done for me all these years did. re-learning how to play with my pup did.

So I’m sitting here at my workstation with pink champagne in my head, celebrating all things new..a spanking new workplace, rouge lipstick and matching bag…

It’s a strange place to be in, change. You start a love affair with your situation in life, fight for it, live for it, compromise for it…and then exchange it for a new one..leaves you dis-oriented and excited…something like cottage cheese served with fiery sauce..and there you are, perplexed with the emotional alternatives…deciding whether to relish the soft-hard texture or reach for a glass of ice-cold liquid to douse the fire on your tongue…and you choose to linger instead..option d’s always been my favourite-none of the above-leaves a whole new world of possibilies to pick from

This is where I am at…stop number 2 in Bangalore..result of the month-long armageddon I never participated in..picking up pieces and building a new castle in the air…another shot in the dark..another surge of exhilaration…another day to look forward to..so far…

I’m lovin’ it!

I ran into him!

Tuesday October 2, 2007

One and a half years is a long time…to heal, to forget, to forgive, to change, to dream, to achieve, to take control..

Though I must admit I completely screwed up on the forgetting part.

Much as I sound like the hopeless loser, I’ve thought about him often, way too often actually, in the past 1.5 years…since Easter’06, the last time I saw him. Ok, I’ve more than just thought about him…I’ve hoped, cursed, dreamt, extrapolated our every encounter to see how they could’ve been different; dissected every piece of communication we’ve had to see how I could’ve played the game smarter; thought about all the things I could’ve said and done to avoid the pathetic obsession I’ve indulged in for more than 3 years..sometimes time forgets but we fail to.

Brigade Road is where we chose to go today…my friends and I…to mark my return to Bangalore, & snap out of the holiday mode I was slowly getting too used to. We were generally soaking in the sights and sounds of the semi-bustling and curfew-ridden city when I spotted him…for a nano-second before I looked away…swoosh swoosh swoosh…if sights could have corresponding sounds, that would be it…green t-shirt and a baseball cap..dazed eyes..nothing’s changed…everything’s changed…i glanced at 3 years of longing for just an instant and decided I’ve had enough..at least for now….

Confusion, affection, curiosity and hatred debated as I walked away, stopped, turned and looked away again…a forum wrapped in white polka dots on green and blue levi’s..confusion lost first…trying to make a point lost in the umms and the ers…affection seduced curiosity and outnumbered hatred..curiosity grew selfish and drove away the tearful affection…hatred watched, waited and contemplated…lost interest and faded away

Curiosity won…it grinned a triumphant grin at my friends and looked around…He was gone.